s I x
"He was jealous of her future, and she of his past."
― Anaïs Nin,
M A N I K
Sunrise and sunset both are a sight to behold if you really are a beholder of the beauty. But is it necessary for you to be, as quoted by many, "beholder of the beauty?" Is it bad if you are just the beholder of life, or to be specific either an optimistic beholder or a pessimistic beholder?
But again, talking about being optimistic or pessimistic, what will you call a person who is completely optimistic as others like to say after talking to him/her or taking advice from the say but the truth is; there is no one who can hold the title of a pessimist like the same one. Does that even make sense?
Not wanting to read more, for the time being, I just closed the book without even bothering to bookmark the page to continue reading it sometime later. Maybe it was all getting too much to bear that even reading could not stop the turmoil I was feeling.
It's ironic how I was reading the article of the same person for over an hour now when she was the complete reason for all the thoughts going on in my mind. Or maybe she was not?
But again blaming others is as simple as it is then accepting your fault. Isn't that what it describes us as human beings? A better phrase - a jealous human being.
Jealousy in itself is a dangerous world, not just a word. It's like that storm in the depth of your existence- heart, mind, or soul; which either withers your petals or, simply, pierces others with your thorns.
Jealousy - an abyss tinted by your own insecurities, past experiences, or future preferences.
But again comes with it a tinge of regret for some while some drown themselves in the same pit of regret till there are no thoughts to think.
That was the feeling I, Manik Malhotra, was carrying sitting in my music room with bleeding hands that tinted the white handkerchief all red since all the events that happened in just a few hours. And the reason for all the mess was I, me, and myself.
I was drowning in the guilt of running the happiness of my brother when I heard that voice, the voice that is like my salvation for the time.
"Guitar, Guitar strings, and Rockstar, " he greeted while entering the room, "Here I am. And I brought you a surprise gift."
"Tadaaaa...."
"A first aid kit. Really?" I shook my head but the smile that was missing was finally trying to emerge just by his mere presence.
"So what? Gifts are meant to be useful. And you, my boy, are in need of one at the moment," he said while opening the box and that was when I felt it.
The pain was caused by the broken guitar strings on my left hand. It was true then, that diversion of mind is the best remedy to the pain.
Till now, my mind was somewhere else and there was no pain but as the person who brought first-aid-kit as a gift took all the attention and forced it on my now bleeding hands by cleaning them and bandaging not-so-gently, it is paining.
"Now, my damsel in distress, tell me, instead of preparing for Abhi's last Bachelor day that is tomorrow, why are you here sitting," he thought for a proper word before adding with a grin.." all drunk without even a shot?"
And the slight distraction caused by his presence was broken by this statement. And the thoughts, his words, their hurt looks all were back.
"Two days Bhai. It's just two days and you will get married. At least spend those two days with me. But no, you have a dinner to attend, with your-to-be-wife." the hurt look that crossed my brother's face was not unnoticed by me but I was so blinded by rage that I just didn't acknowledge it. "Manik..." Abhi had tried to speak but was again cut by me.
"Don't worry Bhai, after your marriage, I will be shifting out of here. I would not want to be a third wheeler in your love life." and there were tears glistening in my brother's eyes after long. And I was the sole reason but it was getting too much to bear.
"You know what Bhai, you didn't even once ask me if I liked her." I finally told and an unknown emotion crossed Abhi's face but I continued..."I always told you I was happy for you but the truth is..." I had swallowed the lump forming in my throat before speaking those words which I was sure will break my Bhai but as they say, jealousy is all about yourself, and in anger, it's all about destruction.
And the anger full of jealousy is the worst of all and I was blinded by the same.
"I hate her Bhai. I hate your Mukti. Just by her mere presence, you forgot you have a brother. A brother who was always there for you." the venom that was in my voice shook my own self too and that was when he spoke but one word and my whole world seemed like it came crashing down...
"Mukti...."
"After everything you still have her name to whisper. Great just great." and that was when I turned to leave and saw her.
She was there standing at the door of the cabin looking at me straight with those eyes with so many emotions in them, unlike those times when they used to be empty.
And that brought me out of my blindness, to know what I did and not meeting able to look in their eyes I left from Malhotra Heights.
"Manik," the voice brought me out of my memory land and was met with a concerned-looking best friend.
" When was the last time you cried? "
I looked at him dumbfounded not knowing how to reply to that question. I wanted to speak the truth but no voice came from my mouth maybe cause I myself don't know when was the last time I decided to be so vulnerable to let the tears flow.
"Cabir..I...I don't..." I stuttered thinking about it. Maybe years back it was. I had no idea.
Was I so cold-hearted or heartless that tears didn't come to me I thought?
As if knowing what I was thinking, he pulled me in a hug. I was numb. I didn't know what I felt myself.
It seems like a few hours back I was teasing Nandini and we were bickering in group chat making Abhi and Mukti leave the group. And now, it seems like happiness was never there in my life. That all seems like a dream which as soon as I woke up was broken and I was thrown into a reality where my demons were waiting for me to acknowledge them and start the destruction.
But was it the start or end?
I don't know how long I stood like that in Cabir's embrace when I heard another sound along with Cabir's voice whispering things to me.
I somewhere knew where the sound was coming from.
Yet, I could not pinpoint it.
Finally, after some pondering, I identified it.
It was the sound of small whimpers that gradually turned to sobs.
Cabir's hold tightened around me.
That's when I realized, I was the one sobbing.
Sobbing in my best friend's embrace like there is no tomorrow.
And maybe it really was the end of many relations as Nandini's accusing eyes filled my memory.
She was there, beside Mukti, her eyes, full of HATE.
And the thought came to me, I liked her yet I made her hate me.
~was it his fault that he got jealous; was it his fault for wanting that one person who was his only family to himself; was it his fault he kept everything to himself for years be it his tears; was it his fault that he could take it no more; was it his fault at all?~
~Was it his fault that fear of being heartless made him cry ~
"*°•.˜"*°• "*°•.˜"*°• "*°•.˜"*°•
This is the third draft for this chapter and I finally feel like I did it. This is the first time I am proud to say I write since I started writing. This chapter will always be close to me.
ᴅᴀᴛᴇ: 29ᴛʜ ᴍᴀʏ, 2020
